People Come and Go...

I met an older man a little over a month ago at my job. He made me want a grandfather again or just wish that he was mine. I only saw him a handful of times at work because it was at a location I only go to twice a week, but he's only there for one of those days in the week. About 2 weeks ago, I no longer saw him at work, and I kept forgetting to ask, where he was. So finally I remembered on Saturday (because my mom reminded me because I would talk about how nice this guy was) to ask one of his co-workers and I got not the best news. This wonderful, spirited, wise, kind, and kindhearted man passed away at work some 2 weeks ago. I couldn't even remember his name, all I knew was I was instantly sad. I was really ready to ball my eyes out, which if you knew me it would be a shock, because one, I don't like to cry in front of people, and two, I like to keep my emotions under control. It really took some serious calming down not to cry while I was at work. And I had to think to myself, 'I only knew him for a little over a month, I couldn't remember his name, and I've only seen him about 5 or 6 times, so why was I sooo upset that he passed' I am even getting a little emotional thinking about it as I type this.

So I came home and told my mother what I found out and how I felt about it. And I told her I thought it was weird that I felt that way for knowing him for such a short time. I honestly can say I loved this man like I love my parents and my siblings, etc. I feel like someone from my family has died. And she said something that I continue to think about, what older wise people say, that that man left such a huge impression. And it got me thinking about if I do that at all to anyone? Am I as great and loving a person as that man was to leave a wonderful impression on someone?

I don't want to end this post with all of the sadness I put into it in the beginning. So I just want to say, fortunately the last time I saw him, he asked me among other people at the workplace "did you know that everyone NEEDS at least 3 hugs a day? and did you get your 3 yet?" And it was early morning so of course I didn't. So he gave me a great big bear hug, me being encompassed in his over 6 foot, big Santa Claus belly frame, like only a loving grandfather or father can give. I will always remember how that made me feel. But most importantly and happily, he was able to join his wife that he often talked about who had passed some months before him. So in true the experience was happy, but man I didn't know such little time with someone could effect them (mainly me) so much.

I hope whoever reads this remembers that every contact you have with another person could change that person's life in any, however minute, way. So leave trails of love, kindness, and wisdom for those people you touch to absorb.

Houston I Have A Problem...

Yeah I definitely have a problem, or more, but this post is directed to one particular problem. I tend to push people away. It wouldn't be as bad if I didn't do it on purpose, but I do. It starts with the fact that I don't like being close to people. I feel all vulnerable and stuff, I'm feeling a little vulnerable just talking about it.

What bothers me is that it keeps me from being in relationships. I tend to gravitate to the guy that doesn't want me and stray from the ones that do. God forbid if the one that doesn't want me starts to, because I just might do some things to purposely push him away.

I just noticed how screwed up I am emotionally. My closest friends probably would never know it, but I am. It's not so much me being shy, but me just not wanting to let people in. The worst is when I do and those people always end up leaving my life in some kind of way. What's the point of letting people in, if they just go when you do. I don't think it's fair, because each time I open up I give them a piece of me and when they leave I feel like they take it away from me. So that leads to me pushing people away & I build my wall brick by boring brick to keep people out. Sometimes I want people to break through, that way I'll know they actually care. Besides one would actually have to stick around because breaking through or climbing a wall takes time.

Somewhere in this mix of life...

Somewhere in this mix of life I think I keep losing myself. The problem is that I like all the new parts that I find & I even like it better when I find an old part on an old path I may take. I like being different people, it keeps life interesting. I just wish that sometimes the different people didn't clash with each other.

That's all for now....

So the other day I saw a pamphlet about abuse and how to get away from it and recognize if you are even in a relationship that is abusive. My question is how do you recognize when you are in an abusive relationship with yourself? Where is the pamphlet or the help line for when you abuse yourself. How do you help a friend who mentally, physically, and verbally abuses their self? How do you stop it if it is yourself and you've just noticed the signs? There are so many ways to abuse yourself, you would think why would anyone ever need someone to help them do it.

This just makes me disappointed...no sad.....no distraught to admit that as humans we don't like change nor do we respond well to it, which makes us destructive. It puts the human race at a standstill, because evolution IS change.

It's about time for me to move. I am like a professional apartment searcher. I can look all day for an apartment online, in the newspaper, in the rent/apartment guides, but I should really & I mean REALLY take the next step in the moving process. My follow through is always waaaaayyyyy too late. Now my happiness or just my sanity rests on me finding a new place to live. I am now starting to shut down to people in my home because I hate living there. I hate coming home to that house. I hate the commute from & to work to that house. I hat how disgusting I have let my room get at that house. I hate the sweet temptations when I'm trying to loose weight at that house. I hate that no one really likes to cook dinner at that house so I come home to nothing really. I hate that I come home late in the evening to find that my cat is hungry & now there's basically no food there to feed her (definitely gotta pick that up today). I hate that there is no television available to watch the majority of the time when I get home out of the 4 tv's there because everyone wants to watch something. I hate that it's in the middle of nowhere, you can't do anything without a car. I hate that I can't put anything wherever I want it. I hate that I can't walk around nude. I hate that I can't blast the music in the morning. I hate that I eat less than 50% of my meals there. Soooooo basically I'm doing A LOT of hating. I mean I am drinking, showering, and brushing my teeth with not water but HATER-ADE. Harboring all those negative feelings and not really expressing them or releasing them can take it's toll on a person. I don't even want to pay the bridge toll, so why would I want to pay an emotional toll. So let me just hit up Craigslist again for the 100th time & actually respond to some of these ads. Wish me luck & that I don't get f***ed.

I'm actually doing something with my life

So, I have become a lot more motivated since my last blog. I am working for AmeriCorp, and just to be able to state that fact feels pretty, oh I don't know, AWESOME. There have been a lot of things going around in my life and in my head. All of which I'm sure I won't remember to write down. Let's just say some things have been interesting and others get that shoulder shrug. Let me just say I wish there was more time in a day, because it's hard trying to get things to to actually transition into adulthood while still maintaining some kind of social life. Which reminds me, people who do all of this and have kids are just AMAZING. Talk about time management skills. Oh and the getting up early and going to bed late to get things done is totally not working for me. SLEEP people!!! It is really important. More importantly MY SLEEP is important. Productivity level goes off the graph when there is a lack of sleep.

That first paragraph seems a bit all over the place. How about I start with the right now. My day today is going pretty good. I got up and walked around my development, something I started at the beginning of this week. My supervisor told me I should do it, it's a great start to the day, even when you don't feel like doing it just drag yourself out the bed and DO IT. Let's just say I might enter her for the "best advice to a sometimes unmotivated person" award, if there was ever such a thing. My mornings have been great so far. I wish I could speed up time to the mornings when I will be able to run around the development.

She wore an itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, yellow pokka dot bikini. Her NOT me.

So of course during the summer time, I can't help but to wish I could look as lovely as those famous people with money do in their bikinis. Well I wish I could just feel comfortable wearing one. Just believe me, no one would want to see me in one.

I am one of the millions of Americans who are obese. I'm not going to sit here and blame it on anything other than the fact that I eat A LOT. Oh yeah and exercise a little. So of course I look around for the fastest diets that of course don't work, if I could manage to stay on it for more than a day. On a side note-why would I really think something could work in less than a day or a week. It's all those promises I see on those infomercials.

What if the world (or someone in it) actually needed me?

Sometimes it feels like my existence and anyone else's is pointless. I guess that thought could only lead to, "what is the meaning of life?"...blah, blah, blah. I don't think I really want to know the answer to that one. Or better yet, I don't think I want to remember the answer to that one, because I refuse to believe we are brought into this world totally clueless. Maybe these extravagant experiences that people are so anxious to have separate us from what we already know or feel is the meaning of life.

I honestly do not know how I got to this topic. I wanted to create a blog to express my thoughts and possibly motivate myself from a life-if that's what you can call it- of doing nothing, fearing everything, and avoiding life. I am a recent college graduate. Yayy!!! for that much. But what is after that, I surely don't know. The only thing I do know is that there is a world full of motivated young adults and I'm not among them. (Hmm, I wonder if that's a sign for depression?) Anywho, I keep putting aside things to do, like rewrite my resume, apply for volunteer & internships, oh yeah and a job. I don't know how my parents put up with me. I have become the slacker from those 80's movies hanging in their parents' basement that I always told myself I would never date. I'm not living in the basement, but I wouldn't date me.

I am the most noncommittal person in the world, I would put Tiger Woods to shame. (Sorry to Mr. Woods for that pun, but he's the only person I could think of at the moment.) I can't commit to getting a job. I can't commit to applying to Nursing school. I can't commit to learning to play an instrument (I have two guitars and an un-tuned piano in the house by the way). I can't commit to liking someone for more than a month (sometimes a week, depends on how I'm feeling). I can't commit to an exercise plan or losing weight. I'm surprised I committed myself to writing this post (let's see if another post follows). I just wish sometimes that there was a magic motivation pill that I could take. Anti-depressants and mood-brighteners don't count- have you seen the list of side affects for those things. The keyword here is magic. I'm afraid that it will be the only thing that works.

Okay I'm just going to say it....

I AM LAZY. I've heard of discipline. I like to teach it to other people (especially my younger cousin who stays with my parents- thoughts on that situation in a later post), but I fail to practice it myself.

So where does this all leave me?

On the couch, watching television...(Go ahead, shake your head, I know that was a terrible ending)