I Was On The Verge Of Death....

Okay, the title might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it almost felt like it. The thing is I am currently recovering from pneumonia. So since I am now recovering, you can probably guess that the worst has passed. Which brings me to my point, there was a "worse". In that worse it was extremely hard to breathe. And during that time, even though sleep is always a necessity to survive, it felt optional at that time. I mean my mind was definitely choosing it but the pneumonia & oh yeah I forgot about the bronchitis, with their coughing fits, chose to keep me awake. Insert 5 days of lack of sleep and you've got a nice little recipe for delirium.

delirium-a sudden severe confusion and rapid changes in brain function that occur with physical or mental illness.

So at some point I felt a calm, like I was okay if I died soon, after the agitation and other crazy thoughts subsided. I think we drug stuffed Americans forget that an illness normally gets worse right before it gets better. Like we are expecting that these prescribed drugs are actually miracles. Even miracles take time. So anyways I thought I was pretty close to death, just Cuzco I couldn't sleep. But fortunately here I am alive and getting well. It just makes me appreciate health and think of the things that could make it better,mlike losing weight. Is this my Epiphany? Probably not, but that doesn't mean I won't do things differently. My illness already gave me a head start, since I lost 10 pounds last week being sick, which was strange since I was still eating. I guess I will see how things pan out, but the plan is to do better...to get better.

How to be happy....!!!!?????

I was just sitting and thinking about all of the things I have wanted to be and sometimes still want to be, and am I on the right path of who I am supposed to be. So before I start to get all into the what life really means & who are we crap, I want to state a conclusion that most people claim to want. I want to be happy. I think I can say that most people want the same ultimate goal. One of the things many of us are too scared or stupid to think about is what will make us happy.

I guess I could start off by defining what I mean by happy, there are different levels, right? For starters I certainly don't want that superficial happy, I don't want a friends list full of people on facebook  that I have no deep connections with besides sharing a link here and there. Is it sad to say that my generation depresses me, because so many of them are about superficial things, like money, people they've slept with, games they've won at, just sooooooo many meaningless things that I could live without. Technology is definitely allowed us to be less humane. It allows us to have less real, meaningful, deep connections and stay popular. Whenever I start to think of all the things that really mean nothing & are just simple pieces of entertainment we've allowed to fill the majority of our lives, I hear the voices of my youth. "Just chill out, life isn't that serious, relax a little." Those words just add proof to my point that we are all left with nothing real at the end of the day that connects us to other people on this earth. Spiritual connections are wonderful and all, but if we can't connect with other people why are we here. So back to happy, I guess a real connection with someone(s) will make me happy, whether it is through work, class, or in the grocery store. A deep connection that can change your life does not have to last with a lifetime of talking or keeping in touch. It can be in a memory of how a person made you feel like you could do anything, or be anything. Or a touch that makes you feel so comforted that your mom would be jealous. Or a one time conversation on a park bench with a homeless person you'll never see again.

I wonder if a lot of people in my generation and younger fear that connection or the loss of one. Sometimes losing that can prevent you from reaching out or receiving it from other people. I thought I had a deep connection with someone once, but it's hard to tell if that person was just saying things they thought I'd want to hear. I only ever want to hear the truth, even if it's the ugly truth.

So how to be happy? How can I be happy? This is the part where I automatically think of the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness". You know the one, well if you don't it's:

   "It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"

This got me thinking about what I said would make me happy, and what other people often say about happiness. You know, you have to make yourself happy, no one else can do it for you or you make yourself happy. Like this pursuit is a single man's journey. Like I alone am in charge of it. So you mean to tell me we are just stuck here on this planet with all these people and no one has to chime in to help other people in the pursuit of it, of happiness?

That's all I have on my mind right now, so back I go, into a life of pursuit.

Resolutions????

Resolutions....smesolutions

I think that sums that up.

A Second Start

I finally got another start at the nursing thing. I know it's what I really want to do, but sometimes I still don't feel motivated to do what's necessary to really make it through. It is more intense than the last program I started since it is an accelerated program and yet I still feel a lack of motivation most of the time. How can it be something I want so bad and I not chase it and tie that dream down so that I can reach it, that goal I've been telling everyone I want. Have you ever had an experience, be it with a person, thing, or event, and it made you perceive all other things differently? I would elaborate on that question as it relates to my motivation towards school & my career, but I honestly don't know where it's leading. I know they are related but I'm too scared to think it all the way for fear of what it will mean about my feelings of said person, thing, or event. Realizations of one's true feelings can be a scary thing....

People Come and Go...

I met an older man a little over a month ago at my job. He made me want a grandfather again or just wish that he was mine. I only saw him a handful of times at work because it was at a location I only go to twice a week, but he's only there for one of those days in the week. About 2 weeks ago, I no longer saw him at work, and I kept forgetting to ask, where he was. So finally I remembered on Saturday (because my mom reminded me because I would talk about how nice this guy was) to ask one of his co-workers and I got not the best news. This wonderful, spirited, wise, kind, and kindhearted man passed away at work some 2 weeks ago. I couldn't even remember his name, all I knew was I was instantly sad. I was really ready to ball my eyes out, which if you knew me it would be a shock, because one, I don't like to cry in front of people, and two, I like to keep my emotions under control. It really took some serious calming down not to cry while I was at work. And I had to think to myself, 'I only knew him for a little over a month, I couldn't remember his name, and I've only seen him about 5 or 6 times, so why was I sooo upset that he passed' I am even getting a little emotional thinking about it as I type this.

So I came home and told my mother what I found out and how I felt about it. And I told her I thought it was weird that I felt that way for knowing him for such a short time. I honestly can say I loved this man like I love my parents and my siblings, etc. I feel like someone from my family has died. And she said something that I continue to think about, what older wise people say, that that man left such a huge impression. And it got me thinking about if I do that at all to anyone? Am I as great and loving a person as that man was to leave a wonderful impression on someone?

I don't want to end this post with all of the sadness I put into it in the beginning. So I just want to say, fortunately the last time I saw him, he asked me among other people at the workplace "did you know that everyone NEEDS at least 3 hugs a day? and did you get your 3 yet?" And it was early morning so of course I didn't. So he gave me a great big bear hug, me being encompassed in his over 6 foot, big Santa Claus belly frame, like only a loving grandfather or father can give. I will always remember how that made me feel. But most importantly and happily, he was able to join his wife that he often talked about who had passed some months before him. So in true the experience was happy, but man I didn't know such little time with someone could effect them (mainly me) so much.

I hope whoever reads this remembers that every contact you have with another person could change that person's life in any, however minute, way. So leave trails of love, kindness, and wisdom for those people you touch to absorb.

Houston I Have A Problem...

Yeah I definitely have a problem, or more, but this post is directed to one particular problem. I tend to push people away. It wouldn't be as bad if I didn't do it on purpose, but I do. It starts with the fact that I don't like being close to people. I feel all vulnerable and stuff, I'm feeling a little vulnerable just talking about it.

What bothers me is that it keeps me from being in relationships. I tend to gravitate to the guy that doesn't want me and stray from the ones that do. God forbid if the one that doesn't want me starts to, because I just might do some things to purposely push him away.

I just noticed how screwed up I am emotionally. My closest friends probably would never know it, but I am. It's not so much me being shy, but me just not wanting to let people in. The worst is when I do and those people always end up leaving my life in some kind of way. What's the point of letting people in, if they just go when you do. I don't think it's fair, because each time I open up I give them a piece of me and when they leave I feel like they take it away from me. So that leads to me pushing people away & I build my wall brick by boring brick to keep people out. Sometimes I want people to break through, that way I'll know they actually care. Besides one would actually have to stick around because breaking through or climbing a wall takes time.

Somewhere in this mix of life...

Somewhere in this mix of life I think I keep losing myself. The problem is that I like all the new parts that I find & I even like it better when I find an old part on an old path I may take. I like being different people, it keeps life interesting. I just wish that sometimes the different people didn't clash with each other.

That's all for now....