Okay, the title might be a bit of an exaggeration, but it almost felt like it. The thing is I am currently recovering from pneumonia. So since I am now recovering, you can probably guess that the worst has passed. Which brings me to my point, there was a "worse". In that worse it was extremely hard to breathe. And during that time, even though sleep is always a necessity to survive, it felt optional at that time. I mean my mind was definitely choosing it but the pneumonia & oh yeah I forgot about the bronchitis, with their coughing fits, chose to keep me awake. Insert 5 days of lack of sleep and you've got a nice little recipe for delirium.
delirium-a sudden severe confusion and rapid changes in brain function that occur with physical or mental illness.
So at some point I felt a calm, like I was okay if I died soon, after the agitation and other crazy thoughts subsided. I think we drug stuffed Americans forget that an illness normally gets worse right before it gets better. Like we are expecting that these prescribed drugs are actually miracles. Even miracles take time. So anyways I thought I was pretty close to death, just Cuzco I couldn't sleep. But fortunately here I am alive and getting well. It just makes me appreciate health and think of the things that could make it better,mlike losing weight. Is this my Epiphany? Probably not, but that doesn't mean I won't do things differently. My illness already gave me a head start, since I lost 10 pounds last week being sick, which was strange since I was still eating. I guess I will see how things pan out, but the plan is to do better...to get better.
Monday, February 6, 2012
Saturday, January 28, 2012
How to be happy....!!!!?????
I was just sitting and thinking about all of the things I have wanted to be and sometimes still want to be, and am I on the right path of who I am supposed to be. So before I start to get all into the what life really means & who are we crap, I want to state a conclusion that most people claim to want. I want to be happy. I think I can say that most people want the same ultimate goal. One of the things many of us are too scared or stupid to think about is what will make us happy.
I guess I could start off by defining what I mean by happy, there are different levels, right? For starters I certainly don't want that superficial happy, I don't want a friends list full of people on facebook that I have no deep connections with besides sharing a link here and there. Is it sad to say that my generation depresses me, because so many of them are about superficial things, like money, people they've slept with, games they've won at, just sooooooo many meaningless things that I could live without. Technology is definitely allowed us to be less humane. It allows us to have less real, meaningful, deep connections and stay popular. Whenever I start to think of all the things that really mean nothing & are just simple pieces of entertainment we've allowed to fill the majority of our lives, I hear the voices of my youth. "Just chill out, life isn't that serious, relax a little." Those words just add proof to my point that we are all left with nothing real at the end of the day that connects us to other people on this earth. Spiritual connections are wonderful and all, but if we can't connect with other people why are we here. So back to happy, I guess a real connection with someone(s) will make me happy, whether it is through work, class, or in the grocery store. A deep connection that can change your life does not have to last with a lifetime of talking or keeping in touch. It can be in a memory of how a person made you feel like you could do anything, or be anything. Or a touch that makes you feel so comforted that your mom would be jealous. Or a one time conversation on a park bench with a homeless person you'll never see again.
I wonder if a lot of people in my generation and younger fear that connection or the loss of one. Sometimes losing that can prevent you from reaching out or receiving it from other people. I thought I had a deep connection with someone once, but it's hard to tell if that person was just saying things they thought I'd want to hear. I only ever want to hear the truth, even if it's the ugly truth.
So how to be happy? How can I be happy? This is the part where I automatically think of the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness". You know the one, well if you don't it's:
"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"
This got me thinking about what I said would make me happy, and what other people often say about happiness. You know, you have to make yourself happy, no one else can do it for you or you make yourself happy. Like this pursuit is a single man's journey. Like I alone am in charge of it. So you mean to tell me we are just stuck here on this planet with all these people and no one has to chime in to help other people in the pursuit of it, of happiness?
That's all I have on my mind right now, so back I go, into a life of pursuit.
I guess I could start off by defining what I mean by happy, there are different levels, right? For starters I certainly don't want that superficial happy, I don't want a friends list full of people on facebook that I have no deep connections with besides sharing a link here and there. Is it sad to say that my generation depresses me, because so many of them are about superficial things, like money, people they've slept with, games they've won at, just sooooooo many meaningless things that I could live without. Technology is definitely allowed us to be less humane. It allows us to have less real, meaningful, deep connections and stay popular. Whenever I start to think of all the things that really mean nothing & are just simple pieces of entertainment we've allowed to fill the majority of our lives, I hear the voices of my youth. "Just chill out, life isn't that serious, relax a little." Those words just add proof to my point that we are all left with nothing real at the end of the day that connects us to other people on this earth. Spiritual connections are wonderful and all, but if we can't connect with other people why are we here. So back to happy, I guess a real connection with someone(s) will make me happy, whether it is through work, class, or in the grocery store. A deep connection that can change your life does not have to last with a lifetime of talking or keeping in touch. It can be in a memory of how a person made you feel like you could do anything, or be anything. Or a touch that makes you feel so comforted that your mom would be jealous. Or a one time conversation on a park bench with a homeless person you'll never see again.
I wonder if a lot of people in my generation and younger fear that connection or the loss of one. Sometimes losing that can prevent you from reaching out or receiving it from other people. I thought I had a deep connection with someone once, but it's hard to tell if that person was just saying things they thought I'd want to hear. I only ever want to hear the truth, even if it's the ugly truth.
So how to be happy? How can I be happy? This is the part where I automatically think of the movie "The Pursuit of Happyness". You know the one, well if you don't it's:
"It was right then that I started thinking about Thomas Jefferson on the Declaration of Independence and the part about our right to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. And I remember thinking how did he know to put the pursuit part in there? That maybe happiness is something that we can only pursue and maybe we can actually never have it. No matter what. How did he know that?"
This got me thinking about what I said would make me happy, and what other people often say about happiness. You know, you have to make yourself happy, no one else can do it for you or you make yourself happy. Like this pursuit is a single man's journey. Like I alone am in charge of it. So you mean to tell me we are just stuck here on this planet with all these people and no one has to chime in to help other people in the pursuit of it, of happiness?
That's all I have on my mind right now, so back I go, into a life of pursuit.
Thursday, January 5, 2012
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